Adoption Resources

What to Expect the First Year

2010-10-12T11:13:00.001-04:00

Originally posted by Jen and Kim.

Excellent list of how others in the church can support those who have adopted within their church body!!!

1. The first year for parents who adopt children from "hard places" is totally consuming. Regardless of how old the children are, expect that the parents will be as consumed as parents of a newborn baby...with colic. If they are adopting more than one, it will be like having multiples....with colic...and probably food allergies too...just to give some perspective.

2. A wonderful "gift" for adoptive families is to free them up to parent. Intentionally parenting in a way that leads to healing for their children will be absolutely requires 110%, and no one else can do it. But, someone else can: cook, clean, organize clothing, shop, drive, take the dog to the vet, mow the lawn, etc.

3. Another great "gift" that a church can give is to completely release adoptive parents from any and all obligations they have to serve at church. They may think that they can continue to serve, but they can't. (And for that matter, release mom from any obligation to do anything for at least one year....including answer the phone!)

4. Also, during that first year, don't expect that adoptive parents will be able to get away without the kids much. As with a newborn baby, the children will benefit from mom and dad's constant presence in the short term. However, a trusted person who is willing to provide short-term child care, like while mom and dad grab some dessert after bedtime,or so mom can take a walk during naptime, can be helpful.

5. And finally, remember that for the first year, and beyond, these parents will be working so hard to gain their children's trust and win their hearts. As support people, believe it or not, some of what we intend for good can actually be detrimental to this process. Indulging the children with "stuff" or experiences, for example, can compete with the bonding process.

Are You Crazy YET?

2010-08-12T14:26:00.001-04:00

Well, find out how to get crazy!

My friend Kim shared this video today and I am definitely part of the crazy club. As an adoptive mom of 7 children and mother of 9 – you know I have some sort of crazy going on here on any given day!

I enjoy her honesty and approach!

Love covers a multitude of sins!

Now go get crazy and have a good laugh!

Equipping Christian Families for Fostercare or Adoption

2010-08-03T09:48:00.001-04:00

In-Store release date: October 15, 2010 - receive Free Shipping when ordered pre-press now!

Book Description

Fetal Alcohol effects... bonding attachment disorder... self-abusive... violent, destructive, aggressive... fire starter... _______________________________________________________________

Happy, successful, easy adoptions are a reality! Many times the children are no more or less difficult to parent than average. However, sometimes raising adopted kids is extremely difficult.

Are you really prepared to adopt? Read on as experienced foster, adoptive and even grandparents share stories of success, but also of struggles.

Many entered adoption unprepared and were quickly overwhelmed. We wondered why our parenting methods failed. Why didn't our love heal these children? Why were our previously happy families now falling apart?

We lacked vital information about invisible disabilities; we didn't know how profoundly neglect damages an infant. We didn't realize we'd signed up to be missionaries to miniature heathens - nor that a spiritual enemy opposed us. Perhaps we assumed the natural state of man, apart from negative influence or defective genes, would be an ideal person; in the Garden of Eden... maybe.

We're not in the Garden anymore!

Before you adopt, pray for protection and guidance - and be sure you read This Means War!

"This is what the Sovereign LORD, the Holy One of Israel, says: "In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength...'" (Isaiah 30:15a NIV)

To order your copy click on book cover photo above.

Things no one ever told me…

2010-04-19T07:18:00.001-04:00

Originally Posted by Storing Up Treasures
I have really been feeling led as of late to share some things about adoption that people rarely talk about it. After reading one of my favorite blogs, I was very moved by this adoptive moms honesty. I am not sure why, but it seems there are many secrets in the adoption community. We don't feel like we can ever be truthful. If you have never adopted, than this post may not make much sense to you. If you have adopted, then it may ring true for you. If you are thinking of adopting, this is in no way intended to scare you, but rather prepare you.

I will be the first to admit I went into adoption with the highest of hopes. I naively thought that my children would come home, I would love them to pieces, and life would be good. I understood that my children may have issues. I was not living in some dream world. However, I did believe that they could overcome it easily by being in a loving family. I found throughout our journey to adopt, no one who had adopted, not even the agencies, or social workers were entirely honest as to what to expect. I pride myself on being informed. I read many books. I spoke to many people. I filled my brain with as much knowledge on the subject of adoption that I could find. I would later find out that none of it really prepared me for reality.

It was only maybe 3 weeks after we brought home an 8 and 6 year old from Russia that it began to become clear to me that this was going to be much harder than we had ever anticipated. My children were adorable. They were beautiful. They were also hyper, destructive, disobedient (nearly every minute of the day). They had tantrums. They were angry. They were not all that happy about being in a loving home. They ate like wild hogs at feeding time. They had no manners. They beat the daylights out of each other daily. They welcomed affection from random strangers, but rejected me. We had no means to communicate. We found ourselves frustrated with their lack of understanding of what we expected of them. They were equally as frustrated with their inability to talk to anyone around them except each other. By two months home, I was convinced we had made a terrible mistake.

I hid my feelings from those around me. Admitting that I was in over my head would only allow our critics to then say "I told you so." Letting people know how hard it actually was then just gives everyone around us an invitation to judge our choice to adopt. But, no matter how hard the days were, deep down in my heart, I could not fight the feeling that God called us to this. He never said it would be easy. NEVER. In fact, I am a believer that almost nearly all things God calls us to are very hard. The problem with this is that our human desire is to have life be as easy as possible. I am here to tell you that the GREATEST blessings in this life are so often the hardest. If we are unwilling to take the hard road, we will most certainly miss out on God's greatest rewards.

Luke 9:23
"Then he said to them all: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me."

For me, the most shocking part of adoption was what I saw in ME. My big old heart for the orphaned child, quickly turned into anger. My sympathy for these poor children who had been through hell and back quickly turned into resentment. I found myself mad at God. "WHY WOULD YOU GIVE ME THESE KIDS????" I would ask nearly a thousands times a day. I could not understand why God would ask this of me. In all honesty, there were very few loving feelings going on. In fact, most of my actions towards my new children were forced. I forced myself to hug and kiss them. I forced myself to say the words that I knew they needed to hear. And at night when all was silent in the world, I would weep tears in the darkness. I never felt so alone, so helpless. I did not know where to turn.

How do you love someone who is unlovable? How do you find love in your heart for someone who continually pushes every boundary, every ounce of patience you have? I am here to tell YOU CAN'T. I know this sounds harsh. But I promised I would be honest here. Humans are not capable of this kind of love. Trust me, I tried. I cannot even explain how UGLY I felt inside. I felt guilt. I felt shame. I was embarrassed by my own feelings. I despised my behavior. I despised my own heart. How could a Christian woman be like this?

This time would be the biggest test of my faith thus far. I was in such darkness. I could barely utter a prayer. It became very clear to me that I could not do this on my own. There was NO BOOK, no counselor, no amount of attachment therapy that was going to fix this. I needed Jesus. It was only going to be through HIS love that I would come to the other side of this. I began to surrender everything to Him. I began asking Him to give me His love for these children. It was then, that MY heart began to change.

I wish I could say that my kids immediately took a turn for the better, but that would not be true. In fact there were many long days. There were days where I wasn't sure I would survive. It was those days I would get on my knees and beg God for his grace. Grace He gave. This journey became less about saving children and so much more about God doing a great work in me. God used these tremendously broken little people to change ME.

Healing is a long process. I am convinced that most people will not know complete healing until heaven. It takes time, A LOT of time. Especially for these little people whose hearts have been shattered into millions of pieces. If that is the one thing I would want people to know who are in the midst of a very difficult season or for those who are entering the adoption process. These children are hurting. They are broken beyond anything we can ever fully understand. It is going to take a great deal of time for them to begin to trust. They do not even know how to love. They do not know what love is.

I often compare life with an adopted child to climbing a mountain. In the beginning, the mountain will seem enormous. You will think that you will never cross over it. One day you will after many months. You will begin to see the top. Things will start to look up. You will feel like there is breakthrough on the horizon. Then shortly there after, your child will begin to circle back. Suddenly, behaviors that you thought were long gone, start to appear again. New behaviors surface. You think to yourself... NOT AGAIN. You worry that you will never see that beautiful top of the mountain again. You feel hopeless and despairing. You wonder if all of the progress you thought you had made with your child is gone. Then you begin that long steep hike back to the top. And the cycle repeats. But, this time you get to be on the top of the mountain longer. Again the child begins to circle back. You find yourself staring at the mountain again, but suddenly the mountain doesn't seem as large as you remember it. You climb it with much more ease. You get to the top and enjoy the beautiful hike down. All the way praising God. One day, your child will find they no longer need to circle back. You will begin to see the child God created. And after all of it, you see how much LOVE has grown between you. You see that all of that climbing and circling back has drawn you closer. You see that there was purpose in all of it.

If you are in the midst of a HARD season, reach out. I would be happy to talk with you on the phone or e-mail. You are NOT alone. Chances are whatever you are feeling, I too have felt. If you are in process to adopt, please do not let fear keep you from helping a child. Do know that the journey is hard and you will need Christ every step of the way. Find people who have traveled the road before you and who are willing to be honest.

English as a Second Language Information

2010-01-27T10:01:00.002-05:00

I want to share what a precious friend shared with our adoption group last week. KC shared information that I believe will be a huge asset to any family adopting a child internationally.

ESL (English as a Second Language) is now called ELL (English Language Learners) in many states. Your child is entitled by Federal law to ELL services no matter what size the school is and whether they have budgeted for it or not.

Best practices in ELL say children should NOT be placed more than one grade behind their age appropriate peers in school no matter what their language levels. This can be compounded by the fact that our internationally adopted kids change so much in the first year. Our daughter looked like a brand new four year old in March of 09 when we picked her up. Today we're fairly sure she's an early to mid-six year old less than one year later. Kindergarten is working well for her, though.

It takes 2-3 years (on average) for children to learn social language. This means speaking on par with peers with little to no errors. Our daughter was totally understandable by three months home with a very limited vocabulary and grammatical structure, but you could hold extended conversations with her within her language base. Today at 10 months she is totally fluent, but has grammatical errors and many vocabulary gaps. Her grammatical structures are getting more sophisticated, but she sounds like most Kindergarten kids with a simple vocabulary.

It takes anywhere from 5-10 years for kids to fully develop Academic language proficiency, depending on their language background, prior schooling, age, social factors, personality, etc. This means ELL kids WILL need ongoing support in school for content classes in spite of the fact that face to face people think they "sound fine". Text books and school language are VERY different from social language. Kids tend to learn the content just fine, but have trouble with things like the language of the assignments, cultural inferences, sophisticated grammatical structures, idioms, and multiple meanings of words.

I teach two Ethiopian high schoolers who arrived in the US 5 years ago at age 10 from the same orphanage, but unrelated. They came here to different towns and families and are now in school together. One is doing all higher grade level classes with no accommodations and very little support and getting Bs. The other is in basic level classes and large amounts of accommodations and is really struggling with Bs and Cs. It truly depends on the child.

As for when to start school, it's really an individual decision. Do NOT keep them home until they have acquired English. Schools are required by law to provide ELL services. Simply placing kids into a mainstream room without support is illegal. The model with which they address ELL kids needs can be very different. In rural VT we pull kids out for support during the day and try to have other adults support them in the class as much as possible. In larger cities and states they sometimes have ELL classes kids start in then transition to a mainstream classroom. No matter what, the law says they must provide something.

They do need to be home to bond with you, that's the most important thing. Some kids need to be in school quickly because they are older and expect it (and our ET kids see it as a privilege), while others need to be home a bit longer. I had one recent 7 year old from Guatemala who started school one 10 days after coming home and a 7 year old from Ghana who started three days after coming home. Both were excited to start and were old enough to understood kids don't live at school, it's not an orphanage setting. Other kids stay home a month or two and then start, but most kids I teach start fairly quickly and do just fine. As the ELL teacher, I always try to find an interpreter to at least meet with the kids once or twice and explain the larger ideas and routines, but they pick it up quickly. I use many picture cues and give the teachers as many resources as possible to help the kids in the first few weeks.

Here is what KC share with me as a homeschooling family.

Since you are homeschooling, the grade issue is not as important, but more just trying to find materials that aren't too babyish for her.

I have a phonics based program that I LOVE for ELL kids that teaches reading. It's got visual cues, kinesthetic, sounds, and tactile stuff. It's a short-term intervention for kids and you can literally train yourself at home to do it. It's called Lively Letters by a company called Reading with TLC. They are at www.readingwithtlc.com They also have an additional sight word component.

One other program I like is a CD rom that had real photos of words and concepts. I print out pages and use them as a picture dictionary for communication when students first arrive. It's called Picture This.

I went out and bought this book today - it is a GREAT resource for older children any child with English as a Second Language. Click photo of cover to look at book or to purchase it.

Adoption Agency Rating

2010-01-01T15:36:00.000-05:00

Amy and I share much in common - especially our desire to help others through adoption in any way we can. Our hope and prayer is to be the voice for the voiceless. What she shared on her blog the other day I trust will be a blessing to those of you beginning this journey or considering it.

We spoke about her post yesterday and agree that it is sad when agencies have been in this business too long, are burnt out and do not treat their clients with the utmost respect and love. Adoptive parents need to know that they are in the best hands and the only ones you can 100% trust is putting all of their faith in is God. All Him to fully help you choose the agency to work with - knowing He has lovingly selected the perfect child(ren) for your family before the thought adoption was even in your hearts! Remember no matter what comes along with the agency - He has you with them for a reason! Trust Him to see you through! He is faithful and you will need to lean on that many times throughout the adoption journey.

Here is what Amy shared:

For 8 years now I have been around the ‘adoption world’. Actually before that due to my degree in Social Work. One of the top questions I get (besides how much does it cost to adopt) is how to find a good agency. We have worked with several agencies over the years and I am going to tell you that every single one that we worked with were good.

Were they perfect? No. And, I wouldn’t expect them to be. After all, they are human and humans make mistakes. I know I sure do.

Were there times when I got discouraged or upset? You bet. Adoption is not for the weak at heart. There is a lot of emotion involved in an adoption. As many will tell you- it is an emotional rollercoaster. There are many people involved in the process along the way. There are many steps- each one a hurdle- and often times a road block. Want to be parents often fall in love with a picture- or a ‘dream’ they have and they feel somehow connected or perhaps ownership to that child before the child is ‘legally’ theirs. While I will tell you that I have done that exact thing each time- and I am glad, I also had to be willing and be prepared for a broken heart- which often times happened.

We have lost referrals where the birth mom came back.

We have had children in our home that we loved with our entire hearts- only to have them move on.

We have found out things about the child once they came home that they agency was unaware of.

We have prayed and dreamed about a certain child -to have door after door closed.

I wouldn’t change that for anything. I wouldn’t even change the pain. For each child received our prayers, each child received our love- even if they won’t ever know it- and each child changed who I am today.

However, often times I have seen individual become bitter and down right nasty towards agencies because things didn’t go ’their way’. I am not saying that there are not unethical agencies out there- which is why I always encourage people to do their research and then research some more. And I am not saying that people are not entitled to their feelings of frustration and hurt. However, they also need to exercise forgiveness when those mistakes are made because none of us are perfect.

Want to be adoptive parents need to play an active and responsible role in their adoption process by making copies of everything and ’checking in’ on their agencies. And when I say ‘checking in’ I don't mean constantly emailing and calling or constantly doubting or accusing. We have tried our hardest to be respectful of our agencies time - because after all when they are constantly busy responding to senseless calls and emails then that is less time they have to work on your case or other cases as well. We have had wonderful working relationships with each one of our agencies- and many have turned into lifetime friendships and respect.

I have seen many families display a sense of entitlement towards their agencies- feeling that 'they paid them enough they ought to be doing their job’ the way the individual wants them to. From our first hand experience I know if you treat your agency with respect, thanking them, and supporting them that the relationship you have with your agency will end up being one of the greatest gifts you get through the adoption process. While yes you are paying an agency to do a job- they still deserve your respect and kindness.

The other day I had a friend ask me about an agency they were considering using. I found an agency rating website online and began reading what some people had written about their agencies. Actually 3 of the agencies we have worked with were on there and I was crushed with some of the negative responses they had received. These were people who have worked along side of us to bring our children home. People that I know put their heart and soul into their job- and do not just look at it as a paycheck- but deeply care about the children and the families adopting them. These are people who have cried with me, laughed with me, went above and beyond their job description for my family. People we consider our friends. Some of the comments were downright ugly and vindictive. Individuals listing complaint after complaint- name calling and pretty much tearing apart the agency and individuals working for the agency. Many of the comments I have a feeling were coming from the same person. It broke my heart and I simply do not understand. I do not understand why someone would be so nasty and tear apart someone’s character just because things didn’t go the way they had wanted on their adoption journey. I will tell you that none of our adoptions have gone exactly the way we thought they would either. But through the difficulties and through the good- we have learned things that can now hopefully help others along the way. We have walked away from one agency because we didn’t feel that they were the right agency for us and we were not confident that they were ethical. However, we didn’t feel that it was fair or right to publicly bad mouth them or tear them apart.

So my advice on finding a good agency is to do a lot of research but also be cautious of others opinions and remember you are only getting one side of the story. As with anything in life-we all have our differences in taste and opinions and a agency that might not be a good fit for one person may be a great fit for someone else. Also, some agencies may have an excellent program and good contacts in one country but not necessarily for all of the countries they work with.

Allow room for human error- from your agency and from you. Pray a lot and then let God lead you to your child. The journey may be full of bumps-but worth every single one of them.

Adoption 101

2009-12-29T15:32:00.001-05:00

My sweet friend Gwen Oatsville shared this on her blog and I believe it will bless others considering adoption. Gwen is waiting to bring home two precious children from Uganda. I love her heart for the orphans and all things to serve and honor God!

As the new year approaches, my house is clean, and I am seriously nesting waiting for the call about Joseph and Daisy, so I thought I would do a post on just the basics of adoption ... I mean if you are on the fence about adoption, foster care, or anything related to orphans perhaps you are just waiting on some clear simple information ... Maybe you just need someone to talk to or ask questions to ... Or just maybe this will be the first time God sparks your heart ... I want to be a vessel here ... What I am about to type is my family's personal experience ... My personal advice ... My heart's words !!!!

1. Basic questions ... What type of child is God calling you to (age, gender, race, domestic or international), Ransom to bring a child home (anywhere from $10,000 - $40,00), what is the right agency for us (Bethany Christian has a good China program, Gladney has good international programs, AGCI has a fab Ethiopia program, and there are many amazing domestic agencies both big and small to consider) ... try to steer clear of small agencies for international use that require lots of fees upfront, how long will we wait (hard to say, but waiting is just part of the blessing ), or how do we tell our families (If God calls you to adopt then who cares what friends and extended family think) ...

2. Emotional Journey ... This will be one of the most emotional and spiritual journeys of your life ... You will feel amazing highs and severe lows ... This is all a part of the road that will take you to your child ... Some of the best advice I can give you is that you SHOULD PREPARE YOUR FAMILY/YOURSELF FOR YOUR CHILD, NOT TRY TO FIT THEM INTO YOUR LIFE ... Fall deeply in love with them now even before you see their picture ... Begin to put yourself in your child's place ... Attempt to feel what they have felt no matter their age ... Abandonment, hunger, loneliness, loss of culture, loss of birth parents, possible loss of language, and loss of all that is familiar ... If you bring home an infant don't assume that one day they may not still have some of these feelings ... Now don't get me wrong, I fully believe in complete restoration for a child ... I teach all my children that God had them picked out before the beginning of time to be an Oatsvall ... He brought them to us in different ways, but this was always their path to us ... We will always honor our birth parents, pray for them, and remember them ... But at the end of the day THEY ARE MY CHILDREN ... I want them to feel secure in their place in THEIR family ... I would go to the ends of the earth to protect them, stand up for them, and would die for them if that was the price ...

3. Are you willing to accept change ... Your life will change as it does anytime you add another person to your family ... There will be less time, less energy, less funds, and less of everything, but there WILL BE ABUNDANT NEW BLESSINGS ... This is an amazing way to change the legacy you leave ... I have seen this change with each one of my children ... I have seen them look at people from other countries, w/ other colorS of skin and see no differences ... They just see another person created by God ... Another person to appreciate, another person to get to know, another person to learn a lesson from ... IT IS A BEAUTIFUL PICTURE ...

4. Have a voice ... When people start to ask questions, use the opportunity to SPEAK UP FOR THOSE WITH NO VOICE, WHO STILL REMAIN ORPHANS ... I don't begrudge people who adopt then come home and want to just be a quiet family and go on about their life, but that is not me ... I want to always advocate for adoptions, bring awareness and get people involved in caring for an orphan and SHINE THE BIGGEST LIGHT I can on an orphan's face so that no one can ever pretend they don't SEE THEM ...

5. Stay in the word ... God will have amazing treasures for you on this journey ... He will teach you things you never dreamed of and He will show you things about yourself you never knew ... He will show Himself to be exactly, who He has always been and always will be ... HE WILL AMAZE YOU AND WILL SHOWER YOU WITH HIS TRUTHS AND PROMISES ...

6. Find someone to walk this journey w/ you ... You and your husband will need a friend to journey with ... Make sure this person is on the same page with you, is walking closely with the Lord, and will love your new family with their whole heart ...

7. Special Needs Angels ... Many people ask me "how do you know if you should apply for a special needs child or not" ... Honestly, I can't answer that question for you ... Search deep in your heart and ask the Lord to point you to your child no matter where they are or what need they may have ... I can tell you that we learned more about the Lord and more about each other by bringing Maggie home ... She is our HOPE and has brought us more than we could have ever dreamed ...

Just had to empty my head and heart in this post tonight because I have had a feeling for the last couple of days that someone is reading my blog that just needed a little truth and encouragement to take this next step ... AM I TALKING TO YOU ???

ADOPTED FOR LIFE

2009-12-01T11:35:00.001-05:00

Adopted for Life by Russell Moore is an excellent book! Put it on your wish list for Christmas this year.

Here is a couple of excerpts from Chapter 3 titled Joseph of Nazareth vs. Planned Parenthood

As Joseph images the Father of the fatherless, he shows us how adoption is more than charity, It's spiritual warfare. (There is a whole section in this chapter on Adoption and Spiritual Warfare. That is something we all need to be aware of. )

When we adopt -- and when we encourage a culture of adoption in our churches and communities -- we're picturing something that's true about God. We, like Jesus, see what our Father is doing and do likewise (John 5:19). And what our Father is doing, it turns out, is fighting for orphans, making them sons and daughters.